I'm just gonna say it....

It's my mom...

She still doesn't want anyone to know that knows her because she said it will make them look at her differently... and I'm not trying to be disrespectful to her.   I'm pretty confident that no one that knows her is reading this blog....so I'm just saying it because I need to say it for me...

It's my mom.... 

The woman that comes over to take care of me if I'm sick...

The woman that has shown up for every one of my surgeries even though I'm a grown adult and most of the surgeries are minor...

The woman that spent 8 weeks living with me in Japan just so she could catch the birth of her first grandchild all those years ago...

The woman that took care of 4 little kids after her husband left her and us....



I'm sad for her... I'm sad for me...  I'm sad for her grandchildren...  Each day that I spend with her, I feel the diagnosis is accurate.  God help us.

Deluding myself

So when I called to find out the status of the follow up appointment, I heard upbeat comments like "the GP is going to give me medicine that will slow the process down and most likely will stop it where I am now... I won't get any worse."

So I posted that to other family members thinking "Okay, this is what the doctor said so maybe there has been progress on the disease."  I even stated in my post "She's putting her on medicine that will significantly slow progression down if not stop it all together."

Can I be so hopeful?  If I am hopeful, am I in denial?   And if I'm not hopeful, am I damning her to this awful disease?  Everything I'm reading on the Alzheimer's Association website doesn't look hopeful:

"Currently, there is no cure for Alzheimer's. But drug and non-drug treatments may help with both cognitive and behavioral symptoms."

"Although current medications cannot cure Alzheimer’s or stop it from progressing, they may help lessen symptoms, such as memory loss and confusion, for a limited time. "

I don't want to believe!!!!

"Dear Lord, please take this away.  Please heal her and make her whole.  Please don't take her away from me like this...  In Jesus' name, Amen."

Diagnosis Confirmed

They went to the GP appointment today and the doctor said that she had read the assessment and believed the diagnosis to be true.  We can do an MRI, but it is not needed for confirmation of the diagnosis.  Medicine will be prescribed and I'm told it will significantly slow down the process.

When my sister called them tonight and ask how the appointment went, they said "What appointment?"

I'm here...

After being told not to come, I was then told to come. Signs of putting others needs before their own?   Or signs of being scared?  Or signs of the confusion that is sure to come? 

I've been here since New Year's Day.  People are afraid to be alone in their thoughts.  When we are alone, we may get sad.  Sad has a stigma as being bad.  But it shouldn't be bad, right?  Why is that emotion any less important than our other emotions?   I lost a cat recently and I had not cried.  Until one day when I was alone.  It just hit me and then I mourned her.  I think this diagnosis will just "hit me". 

They don't want to believe it.  There is denial in our midst.  But for the one suffering, I think there is a dawning.  A recognition. 

Please Lord, don't let this be so...   

Time to take control?

I was flying today to go with them to their doctor on January 3rd.  It is the first appointment since the diagnosis.  But they didn't want me to come.  Oh, they love me...  I don't doubt that.  But they need some processing time.  Since their diagnosis, they haven't been alone in their thoughts.  I'm not sure if I should "afford" them that time.  Do I discourage down time so they won't get "down"?  Do I say "I don't care if you want your own time, I'm coming anyway."   Do I take the reins? 

When I pressed, I was told the appointment is not until the 4th or 5th.  Those two days are a Sat/Sun.  I'm sure their doctor doesn't work on a weekend for routine appointments.  So, the signs confirming this diagnosis continue....

The diagnosis...

Alzheimer's....  It has invaded my family (to keep their privacy, I will not identify whom at this time...)  It is one word with an incredible amount of fear tightly entwined throughout it's peaks and valleys.  As of December 30, 2013, two days ago, it has consumed my thoughts.  I have found no joy.  I have shed many tears.  I do not know who to turn to to express my fears.  I cannot seem to utter the words "Happy New Year" when all of social media is celebrating.  Everyone is anticipating a great 2014.  I'm not.  I'm scared.   If I tell someone, does it bring the mood of their joy down?  Their goodwill? 

This is how I felt when my Nana and mother-in-law died.  People would ask "How are you?"  And automatically, with a smile on my face,  I would say "I'm fine, how are you?"  And then I wanted to scream "I'm NOT FINE!"  But society has said that we must have manners and decorum.  We cannot make anyone feel bad inside.  We have to push down our feelings and not recognize them.  We are not afforded time to mourn.  Gotta be a "team player".

So...  I sit in quiet.  Not wanting to be a "Debby Downer".   Not wanting to believe the diagnosis.   No one believes it...  "Get a second opinion."  "See a specialist".  "Get an MRI first."  "Psychologist doesn't know what he's talking about."   But for me, it's been an explanation.  Now, I see it.  It makes sense.  I've been researching and it is all adding up.

I've been praying too.  Very hard.  But I know that God allows sickness in this world because of sin.  Ephesians 1:11 "also we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to His purpose who works all things after the counsel of His will".  One of the effects of sin is sickness.    Am I a bad Christian because I am feeling sadness and confusion?  Should I be saying "God heals and I'm believing in a miracle?"  If I was a good Christian, shouldn't I be saying "Whatever is God's will?"  How do I accept this?  How can I change this?  How do I make this go away?  How does my life and the lives of my family members go back to normal?  How can normal change in the blink of a diagnosis....